Top 9 Least Sexy Alice in Wonderland Costumes

Why Nine? Because Ten Unsexy Alice in Wonderland Costumes Do Not Exist

Shopping for an unsexy Alice in Wonderland costume can be challenging. For example, this is the White Rabbit:

Sexy White Rabbit Costume makes no sense

Late! For a very important hour-long date.

Besides having to explain to everybody that you are, indeed, an incredibly sexy White Rabbit, this costume presents a host of complications. What if you live in a cold climate? What if you have body image issues? Most importantly, what if you prefer a skirt that covers your entire backside?

If you fear that displaying your love of all things Alice AND all things modest is impossible on Halloween, Alice Is Everywhere is to the rescue! I have combed the depths of the Internet, wading through a sea of pantsless Mad Hatters and Sexy Flamingos. I return triumphant, bearing The Top 9 Least Sexy Alice in Wonderland Costumes! Please note, most of these costumes are for both the ladies and the fellas- I’ve seen plenty of female Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats in my day.

9)Rotund Tweedledee Costume

tweedle dee costume is fun for both sexes

This guy actually weighs 120 pounds.

If a lack of sexy is what you are after, the Tweedles are a layup. This Tweedledee costume features a delicate hoop waist, a flood-ready pant length and practical white gloves. Tweedledum is likewise available, if you’ve got a friend who also enjoys repelling the opposite sex.

8) Saggy Cheshire Cat Costume

cheshire cat costume is versatile

God only knows what’s going on behind those stripes.

This Cheshire Cat costume/union suit is available at Hot Topic for $49.50 , but they almost always have coupons. Bonus: When Halloween is over, you’ve got yourself some cozy jammies for the winter!

7) Mad Hatter Costume With Slimming Stripes

black mad hatter costume

Bonus: you can wear it to your next black tie event!

With a black base color and flattering vertical stripes, you could call this the Lanky Hatter costume, amirite??? A bargain at less than $50 , this elaborate Mad Hatter costume comes in both Regular and Plus sizes.

6) Figure-Obscuring White Rabbit Costume

fuzzy white rabbit costume

Not sure where he’s gonna put that pocket watch…

Is $500 really such a high price to pay to experience the whimsy of the White Rabbit while concealing both your gender and body shape? Yes. It totally is. $500 is too much.

5) No-Cleavage Queen of Hearts Costume

non-slutty queen of hearts costume

Careful with those sleeves around the stove.

This one may have been the most challenging. Inexplicably, the Queen of Hearts has morphed over time from an unsexy loudmouth with delusions of grandeur to a tutu-wearing stripper in thigh highs. I was stunned, stunned I say, to find this full-length Queen of Hearts costume. All Hail Halloween Express! All hail the Unsexy Queen!

4) Couples Playing Card Costume

asexual couples playing cards may be the unsexiest of all alice in wonderland costumes

The jazz hands…the matching tennis shoes…I CAN’T.

Why be a sexy cop and prisoner when you can be a completely square, asexual inanimate object? Just throw some sweats on underneath, you two have already given up.

3) Terrifying Humpty Dumpty Costume

Adult Humpty Dumpty Costume will give you nightmares

On second thought, look at those stems! Hubba hubba!

Guys, I’ve got to be honest. This adult Humpty Dumpty costume is currently out of stock at Amazon, but I am including it anyway. Because it is the least sexy thing I’ve ever seen.

2) Lazy March Hare Costume Ears

brown march hare costume ears are versatile

Manic grin is optional.

Those are some seriously unsexy bunny ears. If elaborate costumes are not your thing, simply buy these March Hare ears, throw on a suit or neutral colored footie jammies and you’re done! Sprinkle a little hay on your head to go full-Tenniel.

1) Unsexy Alice In Wonderland Costume

Unsexy Alice in Wonderland Costumes

The Donna Reed hair is pretty hot, tho.

Ladies, I found the holy grail! A demure Alice in Wonderland costume DOES exist! Extra unsexy points for white tights (Alice aficions know the striped tights didn’t come until Looking-Glass, anyway). Despite its daring just-below-the-knee length, I guarantee you will not find a less seductive Alice in Wonderland costume anywhere. How do I speak with such authority on the subject? Exhibit A:

tea party at the tudor house

Welcome to my unsexy tea party. Please, make your unsexy self at home.

Got some Alice in Wonderland costumes at home? Who are you going to be for Halloween?

About Heather Haigha

Heather Haigha is your intrepid guide for all adventures under ground, through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole and sometimes even real life! Read her whimsical musings on the Alice Is Everywhere blog, and hear the melodious sound of her voice on the Alice is Everywhere podcast.